Happy Sober Christmas
As I celebrate my tenth-ish sober Christmas, this is what I've learnt about being dry during the festive season (and every other day).
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My dear friend and life coach, Katie Ford is currently running a 28-day program to help people to cut back on alcohol in a conscious way in the lead up to xmas. Last week, she shared a post about the ways society encourages us to reach for the bottle. Holidays, birthdays, Thursday—it can all become an excuse for cheersing to the day or escaping it.
It made me reflect on my own journey with sobriety/teetotalism (I’ve never found a phrase that feels ‘right’ for my alcohol abstinence). These days, sober-curiosity is on the rise, as is reflected by the rise in alcohol-free liquor, alcohol-free nightclubs and Tinder dates that revolve around walking and talking, rather than intoxicating.
When I decided to stop drinking over a decade ago, it was rare—especially in London and especially for a twenty-something year old. My teetotalism was going to be a short-term strategy—a way to make ‘better’ life decisions and ease my Sunday shame spiral.
Ten years on, this is what I’ve learnt about life on the wagon (I think it might surprise you, as it has me!)
The Spotlight Effect and Sobriety
The Spotlight Effect is the psychological phenomenon by which people tend to believe they are being noticed more than they really are. For me, never is this more present than when it comes to quitting alcohol. We think everyone notices. We think everyone cares… but do they? Unless your social life is balanced on a table of red cups, it’s unlikely that your drinking habits are really that… special.
I have friends who’ve hung out with me for years—friends who came to my wedding—who have no idea that I don’t drink. And why would they? It’s not something I lead with in conversation.
The Spotlight Effect is a lead driver of society anxiety, because we’re hyper-focused on what people notice, and think, about us. Something that can help is challenging what’s called the ‘Illusion of transparency’—people tend to think that their internal state is visible to others, when it mostly isn’t.
As you cradle a soda and lime, people are unlikely to notice. They also can’t read your mind, and see that you care if they care about your drinking. We can take the spotlight off ourselves—a spotlight that wasn’t there to begin with.
Celebrating Every Day
One of the things that helped me in the early day when it came to ‘special’ occasions was being less black and white about what constitutes the phrase. What makes a day special? Why the pressure to make one day on a calendar perfect? What would happen if you just let this day … be? Without the need to pop champagne to welcome it, or down a shot to avoid it?
This doesn’t mean you have to scrooge your way through the holidays. But how can you celebrate more…kindly? With less aggression and determination to prove I HAD SO MUCH FUN! With a soft kindness to the people around you, and a soft kindness to yourself.
I use the same strategy when it come to ‘sad’ special occasions. Every 2nd July, rolls around the anniversary of my first husband’s death. I don’t ignore it but I also don’t make it an all-consuming thing. I used to think, I wasn’t a good widow if I didn’t have GREAT, BIG FEELINGS—which is one of the problems of our cultural conditioning.
For many of us, alcohol is driven by a thirst to elevate every experience. Because enough is never enough, and a feeling is never a good enough feeling. It’s true, sometimes I look around a crowd at a party and I feel envious of their euphoria. But I also appreciate my alternative: warm, steady contentment.
Even if sobriety becomes your long-term lifestyle choice, there will still be times you miss it and feel left on the outskirts. But then there are moments of perfect belonging that I would have lost at the bottom of a bottle.
The Evolution of Everything
For me, sobriety has been one season of life, albeit a season that has stuck around longer than my drinking career. For me, however, it’s still a constantly evolving decision, which I check-in on regularly. Earlier this year, I *tried* to start drinking again. I thought I was ready. I wanted to clink a glass at the end of the week with my husband. But I couldn’t do it.
I found myself nursing one drink, oh so sloooowly. A few sips in, I’d tip it down the sink. The truth is, I don’t trust myself to drink. I don’t trust that version of me (that’s another conversation for therapy!). But I will continue to check in on my motives regularly to see if this choice is still right for me.
Disclaimer: If you are sober, this is something I’d consider talking through with a professional before you jump off the wagon. I do not consider myself an addict, so I felt confident to experiment when it came to my sobriety. Please take responsibility for your own health and wellbeing.
Dealing with ‘Sobriety Insecurity’
These days, I see my ‘sobriety insecurity’ as a useful barometer. Around my closest friends, I never feel tempted to drink. I don’t doubt my sober personality or what I bring to our shared table.
When I look back to my attempt to drink earlier this year, it came at a time when I felt distance from my partner. I was hoping that drinking might become a bridge between us. Now that period is over, my perfect evening is sitting by our outdoor fire together, sharing a moment: him drinking a rum, and me drinking an Ovaltine. It couldn’t be more lovely.
Final Thoughts
If you’ve considering drinking less, or quitting alcohol, but you think it’s a January thing, my advice is—get ahead of the trend. If you can cut back now, and find your sober feet over Christmas, than you can conquer anything.
I am not someone who preaches sobriety for every person but I do believe that you will know if it’s right for you.
Cheers to that!
Amy x